Three Hats for the Le-Matoran under the sky,
Seven for the Onu-Matoran in their halls of stone,
Six for Mortal Kraata doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
In the Land of Maldor where Shadows lie.
One Hat to rule them all, One Hat to find them,
One Hat to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
In the Land of Maldor where Shadows lie.
Frodo Bioniclefan1: *Sitting propped up against a tree, reading a book, when he hears humming, and puts down the book and runs.* Guudalf, you're late.
Guudalf the Grey: Frodo Bioniclefan1, a wizard is never late, nor is he early.
Frodo: ... Hahahah.
Guudalf: C'mon, laugh like you mean it!
Frodo: Hahahahaha! It's guud to see you, Guudalf!
Guudalf: Heheheh! *Drives cart towards Hobbiton.*
Random Hobbit: Speech, Bionicle_Fanatic, speech!!!
Bionicle_Fanatic Bioniclefan1: My dear people, Bioniclefan1s and Botvens, Tones and Alienducks, and Smugs, and Rubs, and Blade Burrowers, and Hornhonkers, and Bons, and Facesmirkers, Good-griefs, Brockhuts and Feet Additions!... Oh, and the Sackville-Bioniclefan1s. As you all know, today is my onedy-onedy-oneth birthday! I have called you here for a purpose. First, to say that onedy-onedy-one years is hardly enough time to spend with so many good Hobbits. I don't know fifty-percent of you point five as I'd like, and I like minus fifty-percent of you point five as you deserve.
Random Hobbit: ... Saywut?
Bionicle_Fanatic Bioniclefan1: Second, I've gathered us today to celebrate OUR birthday, Frodo and I. Thirdly, I wish to make AN ANNOUNCEMENT. I regret to announce that, though I said that onedy-onedy-one years is far too short a time to spend among you- This is the END. I am going. I am leaving NOW. GOODBYE! *Grabs a hat, and puts it on, and vanishes.*
Guudalf: You ARE leaving the Hat to Frodo, aren't you?
Bionicle_Fanatic Bioniclefan1: Why, of course, I left it in an envelope near the mantlepiece...
Guudalf: Bionicle_Fanatic... We both know you can't stick a hat in an envelope.
Bionicle_Fanatic Bioniclefan1: How strange, it's right here, in my backpack... Then again, why should I leave it? It's stylish! It's... My... Precious...
Guudalf: Precious? It's been called that before.
Bionicle_Fanatic Bioniclefan1: Yes, but it's not his anymore, it's mine, mine!
Guudalf: Leave it here.
Bionicle_Fanatic Bioniclefan1: You want it for yourself!!!
Guudalf: Bionicle_Fanatic Bioniclefan1!!! I'M NOT TRYING TO ROB YOU... I'm here to help you. Besides, I have this cool pointy hat!
Bionicle_Fanatic Bioniclefan1: ... Yes, I suppose I should leave it to Frodo... Well, I'm off!
Guudalf: Bionicle_Fanatic... It's still in your backpack.
Bionicle_Fanatic Bioniclefan1: Oh, I guuess it is, isn't it?... *Has a hard time, but releases Hat onto hat-rack.* Toodles! *Runs off singing.*
Guudalf: *Throws hat-rack in fire.*
Frodo Bioniclefan1: What're you doing?
Guudalf: Don't worry, it shouldn't burn. *Hat-rack melts.* ... I meant the Hat. *Grabs hat with tongs.* Hold it... It's quite cool.
Frodo: I know it looks cool, but...
Guudalf: No, it won't burn your hand.
Frodo: Ooooh. *Holds Hat.*
Guudalf: Can you see anything? What does it say?
Guudalf: Guud, for a second there, I thought-
Frodo: That it'd say something like this? *Holds out Hat.*
Guudalf: Dagnabbit! It's as I feared... We have found the One Hat.
Frodo: The One Hat?
Guudalf: Made by Malron himself in Maldor. He is looking for it now, and the Hat longs to be on the head of it's Dark Master. With it, he can destroy the world as we know it.
Frodo: What am I supposed to do?
Guudalf: Dunno, but we can start by getting you to Rivendel.
Frodo: I heard a woosh.
Guudalf: *Looks out window.* Starwars Gamgee!
SW: It wasn't me, sir! I was trimming the grass, and heard something about "The Hat" and other such things like Dark Lords and the Apocalypse (gonna be a great film, BTW), but honestly, please don't turn me into a frog!
Guudalf: I have... Better usage of you...
Frodo: *Watching TV.* I'm going to wait until Fall to get out of here.
Guudalf: I bet Frodo should soon be on his way to the Prancing Pokawi... Ah, finally, at Isengard!
Solek the White: I see you have come for my wisdom, old friend.
Guudalf: The Hat was found.
Solek the White: So you seek my fashion knowledge?
Solek the White: Well, I know about a wide range of hats, and I know the one that you're wearing is rather... Old-fashioned? Let's fix you up with something... Less... Bland. Gray is a horrible color, very... Dull.
Guudalf: No, I'm not changing my hat, I'm telling you we found THE HAT! THE ONE HAT!!!
Solek the White: ... I see... Where is it?
Guudalf: I left it to the Hobbits, who are coming to meet me soon.
Solek the White: No they're not.
Solek the White: The Six are gonna get 'em.
Guudalf: Then I must warn them!
Solek the White: No you won't, because plot twist! I'm going to help Malron. And also, plot twist! I'm an Av-Matoran, meaning I can change my colors! Henceforth, I shall be called Solek of the Many-Colors!
Solek of the Rainbows: You shall now be my prisoner, and-HEY, WHO MESSED UP MY NAME?
Frodo Bioniclefan1: Let's go.
Pohatu Tone: Me and Macedonia are coming along.
Frodo: Guize, like, we should get off the road.
SW: Sure. *Everyone gets off road.*
Lerahk: *Flies in.* ... *Sniiiiiiiiiiiiiif.* ... *Flies away.*
Macedonia Alienduck: What was that about?
Pohatu: Why was he sniffing?
SW: Someone probably wore too much colone.
Macedonia: Well, I'm SOR-RY.
Frodo Bioniclefan1: Well, here's the Prancing Pokawi... *Walks in.* Hey, there... Where's Guudalf?
Bartender: Haven't seen the guuy in months... JUST STAY HERE WITH US... *Smiles creepily.*
SW: OK. *Everyone sits down.* Who's he? He's been staring at us since we got in... Which was only a few seconds ago.
Bartender: They call 'im Strider 'round these parts...
SW: Are you listening to our conversation?
Bartender: ... Yes... *Creepily smiles.*
Frodo: *Thinking.* This... Hat... It's... Too fashionable... OH, THAT'S IT, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! *Puts Hat on and vanishes.*
Strider: *Gets up and grabs InvisibleFrodo.* I'd be more careful if I were you.
Frodo: Who are you?
Strider: A friend of Guudalf's. I'm here to get you over to Rivendel.
Frodo: Where's Guudalf?
Strider: Dunno. *Looks out window.* The Six are coming!
SW: The Six?
Strider: GAH!!! Where'd you come from?
Macedonia: That door.
Pohatu: Yo, chill dude.
Strider: ... The Six, The Rahkshi were Kraata who were stuffed in suits of metal which they control. You cannot kill them. You encountered one on your journey, I'd bet. They are drawn to the One Hat.
Strider: Weathertop, we shall rest here for tonight. *Everyone starts a fire.* You little... Halflings...
Frodo: *Puts on Hat.*
Turahk: Yo, we can like, still see you... And you can understand us now...
Frodo: Oh no, yah! *Gets stabbed by a Staff of Fear.*
Strider: YAAAAAAAAAAA!!! *Drives the Rahkshi off.* We got to get Frodo to Rivendel!
SW: We'll never make it!
Strider: Sure we will, because I got a girlfrie-
- Due to Tolkien and Peter Jackson using different characters here, trying to stay true to the original book, we are using Glorfindel.*
- Suck it up, Strider.*
Glorfindel: Yo, I'm gonna take you over to da boss Vezrond, got it?
Glorfindel: *Rides to river.*
Glorfindel: Like, water, you better wash these dopes away, or I's got's arrows with all yer name's on them, got it? *River washes Rahkshi away as Glorfindel rides towards Rivendel.*
End of Lord of the Hats, The Fellowship of the Hats Book I.